


キミガイナイ (You're Not Here)

by H0ETRY



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Very Minor, chenle cries a lot )):, chenle just needs hugs and kisses, its just a cat, jaesung are ride and die for chenle, jaesung presidents of the chenle deserves the world club, mention of panic attacks and a scene of a panic attack in the 2nd chapter!!, more tags will be added, we need more renle books
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23991571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H0ETRY/pseuds/H0ETRY
Summary: The real cause of my loneliness isNot because no one is hereBut because I expect somebody to be hereBut I am left alone
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Zhong Chen Le, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Zhong Chen Le, Na Jaemin/Park Jisung
Comments: 9
Kudos: 25





	1. ONE: WE FOUGHT OVER SOMETHING TRIVIAL.

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this will be a short fic!! nothing to long!! I hope you can enjoy this!!
> 
> Inspired by Keyakizaka46 Kimi Ga Inai ( https://youtu.be/GEG6W4nYMHI )
> 
> I definitely recommend listening to the song before reading to get a hint of what is to come!! don’t worry though, its not as sad as the song i promise we will have happy things in here!!

"are you going to look at them forever or can we start our project?" chenle frowns, turning his head to look at jisung. jisung gives the boy an annoyed look.

"i am not looking at them.." chenle says quietly. "i was waiting for you!" chenle huffs, arms crossing. jisung rolls his eyes.

"liar, you've been staring at them since we got here." jisung says. chenle glares at jisung a little, who ignores the glare. "do you want to say something to them? or are you getting off right now?" chenle chokes, eyes widening.

"are you insane?! that's disgusting! oh my god my ears!" chenle shrieks, hitting jisung. jisung laughs a little. "why are you so nasty?!" jisung pushes chenles hands off him.

"then stop staring and start the damn project!" jisung exclaims. chenle just grumbles in response, turning his head to the side and looking at the table, arms crossed. "you're annoying." jisung mutters. chenle doesn't reply. "there's nothing wrong you know, with liking them." chenle scrunches up his nose.

"there is everything wrong with me like them." chenle groaned. "whatever, i don't want to talk about it, lets just start the project okay? i have to be home before six."

—

chenle thinks he will always be in love with renjun. there is no one else in this world that chenle will love like he loves renjun. nine year old chenle thinks. renjun is his gege, chenle is renjuns didi. they are each others, no one elses. renjun even promised to marry chenle when they were older, because renjun couldn't stand the thought of marrying some girl. it made little chenle so happy when renjun told him that because, chenle wanted to live with renjun forever, no one else.

it was silly, their whole childhood. the promises they made. in reality, they wouldn't marry each other, in reality they wouldn't be in love like they thought they were as kids. in reality, renjun would marry some girl, and so would chenle. they would live their lives separate, with their own families.

chenle wished thats hope it happened. he wished all the feelings he had were just something silly and stupid, but those feels stayed all the way up to middle school. to high school. to now, in college. stupid feelings, stupid crushes.

he doesn't know when he truly feel in love with renjun. maybe as a child he really was in love with the older, maybe the feelings he had weren't fake but real. maybe at seven years old chenle fell in love with the boy. maybe it was in middle school, how renjun helped him to all his classes and always stayed over at chenles to help the boy with his homework when he didn't understand something.

maybe it was in chenles freshman year, at the dance. they didn't have dates, so they went together. for the most part at the dance, they sat at the table, not really doing anything. it was boring but chenle felt happy being with renjun that night. he felt happy when renjun took his hand in his, dragging him outside, and they ran, all the way to the park. while chenle tried to catch his breathe from running, renjun was on the swings, smiling brightly at the younger.

he looked so beautiful that night, his hair looked so soft, it waved in the air but stayed neat, his cheeks were tinted a small pink, and his eyes shined so bright chenle was sure they were brighter than the stars.

it was hard liking renjun, really. chenle cried over the boy a lot. sometimes when chenle would come home from hanging out with the older, he would cry. he once cried so hard his that it woke his mother up, and chenle didn't realize or hear his mother until her arms wrapped around him, worried something had happened or hurt her child.

chenle didn't cry because renjun upset him or anything, renjun could never do something like that. sure they got into petty arguments sometimes but chenle was always happy with renjun, there was never a dull moment with him.

he cried because he was so in love with renjun that he didn't know how to handle it. chenle never liked someone, never had to time because renjun was always on his mind. chenle was scared, he was scared that maybe, just maybe there is a possibility of renjun hating him if he ever found out chenle liked him.

by chenles sophomore year of high school, he learned to control his feelings for the boy, so much that sometimes he forgot about his crush. during his junior year, chenle had met jisung.

jisung was tall, very clumsy, but very cute and adorable. jisung was awkward, and shy but chenle didn't care. he wanted to be friends with the boy, so that's exactly what he did. no longer than a week of them talking and knowing each did the become attached to the hip.

jisung was funny, and they liked the same games. jisung was scared of many things, that it made it easy for chenle to pick on. jisung liked to talk a lot, surprisingly. chenle found this out the night jisung stayed over at chenles. it was a funny night, because jisung didn't even realize he was talking so much, and when he did he got so embarrassed.

jisung was also chenles first kiss.

it happened so weird, and so sudden that the two boys never really talked about it. jisung had confessed he never kissed anyone before, and neither had chenle so... they decided _why not try it out?_ it was awkward and short, the moment their lips touched, they pulled back.

jisung and chenle decided, that night, kissing was weird and gross. jisung vowed that he would never kiss anyone again but a year later jisung got himself a boyfriend and chenle is a 100% that the two spend most of their time doing exactly that.

junior year came around for chenle, and renjun was now a senior. they didn't really hangout as much as before, renjun was to busy with college stuff, making sure he was getting the grades he needed to get into the college he wanted, renjun also got a job. chenle was also doing stuff with college but it wasn't as intense for him like it was for seniors.

junior year was weird, chenle hated it. for some reason, it felt like renjun was slipping right out of his hands and chenle didn't know what to do. chenle knew renjun would go to college, he knew that they weren't going to stay together forever, but he still had hope.

one night, they hung out again. it felt like it had been years since they last met. since they had last seen each other. they sat in chenles backyard, looking at the night sky. for awhile, they just sat in silence.

_"i got in," renjun said. chenle looks up at the older. "i actually got in." even though there was a tug at chenles heart, he smiled._

_"thats amazing ge!" chenle exclaims. "are you going to go?" renjun smiled a little, but shrugged his shoulders._

_"i don't know." renjun answers, "i got accepted to a few other colleges too. i just don't know which one to pick." chenle frowns a little._

_"what do you mean? you're going to go to your dream college." while chenle didn't want renjun to leave him, especially to a college that was in a whole different country, he still wanted renjun to live out his dream. renjun shakes his head._

_"i don't know if i want to go there anymore." renjun mutters. chenle looks at him confused. "i think i want to stay here.. i don't want to leave here.." renjun sighs._

_"but..."_

_"yeah i know, its my dream school and im throwing it away, stupid right?" renjun pulls his legs up to his chest. "i just.. don't think i'll be happy there.. i went on tour and.. i don't know it wasn't what i thought, not that it was bad or anything. it was a great school i just.. i don't know there was no feelings when i went.."_

_"oh.." chenle says. "so what are you going to do?" renjun shrugs again. he turns his head and looks at chenle._

_"what do you think i should do?" renjun questions. chenle gives him a look. "im waiting.."_

_"you want me to decide your future? are you insane?! i don't even know what colleges to look at!" renjun laughs. "thats.. this is something for you decide.. i want you to go to your dream school but.. if you don't think it'll suit you then.. find something else that will make you happy." chenle tells him._

_renjun hums, "okay.." chenle nods, looking away. for the next few minutes they dont speak. chenle picks at the grass. "i think.. i'll go to school here." chenle raises an eyebrow. "i think staying here will make me happy. so im not to far from home. one of the colleges is not to far from here, only a few hours away."_

_"yeah?"_

_"yep. then i won't have to leave my family.. or you."_

_"me?" chenle asks. "im nothing special." renjun grins._

_"you're my best friend." renjun says, "of course you're special! don't you remember? we promised to always stay together." chenle snorts._

_"we also promised to marry each other." chenle states. "we gonna do that too?" renjun pushes his lips into a thin line._

_"we could." chenles heart stops, eyes widening. "would make college cheaper." chenle frowns._

_"wouldn't i have to be a college student as well for that to work? also-" chenle is cut of by renjuns laugh. "its not funny!"_

renjuns graduation comes sooner than chenle liked. one minute it was the first day of the school and next, it was the last. renjun ended up picking a college 3 hours away from his home, thankfully. it was a good school, and renjun actually felt happy when he decided that school would be the one he would go to.

_"why are you shaking?" chenle hears. "im the one graduating, you have one more year left." chenle pouts at renjun._

_"because! this a very important day renjun! you are literally graduating in like four hours!" renjun just rolls his eyes. "are you nervous?" chenle asks._

_"a little." renjun says quietly, "feels weird.. knowing after today i am officially an independent adult." chenle smiles._

_"i think you're going to do amazing in college." chenle tells him. renjun smiles back._

_"really?" chenle nods his head. "i hope so. im a little worried but.. as long as i work hard everything should go right." chenle hums._

_"yeah.." he trails off. "should we start getting ready? the venue is kind of far and i think your mother would be upset if you're late."_

when they call his name, chenle cheers. he's not supposed to, but he does anyways. along with jisung and jisungs boyfriend jaemin, who was also graduating. chenle and jisungs mothers scold them, and a teacher lowers their eyes at jaemin which makes him become quiet. chenle giggles.

after the ceremony, it takes a minute but chenle finds renjun. he greets the older boy with two large bouquets, and it makes renjuns eyes widen. they barely fit in renjuns arms, and chenle laughs. the rest of the day is spent at renjuns home. they had a small graduation party with his family, and after that ends, chenle, jisung, jaemin, and renjun all go out.

it was fun, hanging out with all of them. celebrating their graduation. jisung cried a little, now that his boyfriend would be hours away (only two) and he would never see him again (jaemin ended up coming down on weekends and every holiday they had)

chenle thought jisung was being dramatic but three hours late, after jaemin and jisung left to spend time together, chenle found himself crying in front of renjun. it startled renjun, because they were sitting in silence, watching the stars once again. then he heard chenle sniffle, thinking it was because the younger was cold. even though it was summer, tonight was cold. the sniffles continued however, and then chenle was full on sobbing.

_"chenle? oh my god whats wrong? why are you crying?" renjun moves closer to the younger, hands cupping his face. "whats wrong? chenle please talk to me.." chenle pulls renjuns hands away from him, trying to calm himself down._

_"i-im sorry." chenle mutters, wiping away his tears, "fuck, im sorry i didn't mean to cry—" chenle huffs, renjun frowns a little._

_"no its fine, just tell me whats wrong okay?" renjun asks, thumb rubbing against the back on chenles hand. chenle sniffles again, trying to catch his breath and calm himself down. he's afraid he'll cry more if he speaks._

_"it's just.. i can't believe you're actually going to be gone next year.. you'll be in college and i'll be here and we'll probably never talk, and you'll move on in life and i'll be sad because i lost my best friend and-" chenle rambles for awhile, and doesn't even realize until he hears renjun scoff. "what.." chenle starts._

_"didn't i tell you i wouldn't leave you?" chenle huffs a little._

_"just because you say it doesn't mean—renjun you are going to be in college next year okay? you'll meet new people, have new friends, find people you actually click with. we will stop talking." renjun looks at him, offended._

_"why are you being so negative? im not just going to stop talking to you." renjun pulls his hands away from chenles. chenle looks down._

_"im being realistic."_

_"you're being an ass." renjun states. chenle opens his mouth to speak but renjun is already his feet, staring at chenle with the look of hurt written all over his face. "do you think im lying to you?" chenle shakes his._

_"i didn't say-"_

_"its what you meant." renjun cuts him off, "im not a liar, i promised we'd still keep up, because me going to college has nothing do to with our friendship. i went to high school before you and we didn't stop being friends."_

_"this is different." chenle speaks. renjun just rolls his eyes._

_"no its not. chenle i would never lie to you, and i would never just cut off our friendship like that. im not a dick, something you're being right now for accusing me of something i will not do." renjun crosses his arms. "you told me to go to college and now you're upset because i am? how does that even make sense?"_

_chenle doesn't speak. he can't speak. his heart is beating fast, his body feels cold, and he hears pounding sounds in his ears. renjun glares at chenle for a moment before letting out a heavy sigh._

_"im going home, you should too. text me when you're right in the mind again, until then don't talk to me." and with that, chenle is left alone in the park._

for the first time, chenles heart is broken and it was broken by renjun.


	2. THIS WORLD WITHOUT YOU IS MORE BORING THAN I IMAGINED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scene of a panic attack at the end of the chapter!!

renjun is a liar.

chenle decides. something he decided to help him not feel at fault for ruining their friendship. something he tells himself so he doesn't cry that renjun never talked to him again after that night. something he tells himself to keep him sane.

it doesn't work though, because chenle still cried.

the next day after that night, chenle apolgized. over text. saying, im sorry it's just how i felt. i didn't mean to make you think i didn't believe you or to make it seem like you're a liar. it's not at all what i wanted to

happen, im sorry. his apology wasn't enough for renjun though, because renjun only read the message. chenle never got a reply back, renjun never came over to his, and chenle was to scared to even be in the same room at the older.

chenle was stupid for everything he said that night and it was his fault they stopped being friends. its was his fault that renjun slipped right out of his hands like he feared. it was his fault.

chenle never even got to say goodbye when renjun left for college.

senior year was hell. chenle wished senior year didn't happen. he wished the entire year never happened. chenle knew senior year wouldn't be as fun for him considering he would spend most of his time focusing on grades and exams. and yes that was something that added to the senior year is hell, it wasn't the only thing.

two weeks into the year and chenles parents got a divorce. two weeks into the year and chenles family fell apart.

it was something chenle couldn't understand and he still doesn't. his parents loved each other. they loved each other so much so when they told him, chenle thought it was some weird, sick joke. but no, it wasn't because a few weeks later chenles father moved out and went back to china.

they told him, while they still loved each other very much, it wasn't the same as before. they couldn't continue to be together when they didn't love each other like that anymore. chenle somewhat understood. he didn't want his parents to pretend to be in love if they weren't.

still it was upsetting, because now his father was miles away and chenle loved his father.

they told him if he wanted, he could go live with his father. he could pick who he wanted to live with. while yes chenle loved his father, he also couldn't leave his mother. he couldn't leave jisung, he couldn't leave his school and he couldn't leave renjun. even if they weren't talking. so be stayed with his mother and would visit his father during holidays.

after that, because that wasn't the only stressful thing that happened to chenle during senior year, his cat, given to him by renjun when chenle was in 7th grade, passed.

it was in the middle of the school year, the cat was old and had always gotten sick around this time. however, this was different though. this time she wasn't eating, this time she cried so loud and so pitiful. this time was different and when they took her to the vet, chenle and his family were told she was dying and there was nothing they could really do.

chenle cried, of course he cried. he loved his little snowflake so much. she was everything to him, she was always there for him. she always cuddled up to him at night, would nuzzle her nose against chenles leg when she wanted to be held, and she always kept chenle happy. she was the sweetest and cutest cat.

for the first time in months did chenle text renjun. he hoped the boy still had the same number. luckily he did, because once he told renjun the news, renjun texted back.

when snowflake passed, renjun had came down. renjun cried too. the cat meant as much to him as it did to chenle. despite coming down, and despite their shared love for the cat, renjun did not once talk to chenle, he barely even looked at him.

along the dreadful year of senior year, chenle has multiple panic attacks. which doesn't help chenle in any way because, its panic attacks, and he also has asthma. chenle always struggles to breathe when he has panic attacks. he had one that was really bad and he had to be sent to the hospital.

his doctor said it was because he was stressed, a change in his life occurred and his body couldn't handle the stress that he caused him to have panic attacks. maybe it was his parents divorce, or his cat passing, maybe it was renjun.

christmas break finally arrived, and chenle was quite thankful that his family had a tradition of not celebrating the holiday in korea, but instead in back in china. he was thankful because he would still be able to spend christmas with both of his parents and all of his family, but also because he didn't have to see renjun. or renjuns new boyfriend.

chenle knew nothing about renjun having a boyfriend, really tried his hardest to not care about the boy anymore. they weren't friends, renjun didn't care about him, so he should move on. it was jisung who told him, the night chenle arrived in china, he saw jisungs thousands of text messages.

_9:03 PM_

_sungie: hey have you landed in china yet??_

_sungie: probably and you're probably sleeping even though you said you'd facetime me 😔😔 loser i wanna see your baby nephew!!!!!_

_sungie: whhhhyyyy arent you answering ))))):_

_sungie: okay i guess you really are sleeping )): call me tomorrow morning then please!!!!_

_11:52 PM_

_sungie: idk if you're still asleep but_

_sungie: i know i said i wouldn't tell you anything about renjun but_

_sungie: him and jaemin hung out when he came down today and i didn't go ofc_

_sungie: anyways... when jaemin came back he told me another boy was with renjun, his name was donghyuck i think_

_sungie: apparently they're dating and have been for a few months now and jaemin said they seemed really close and happy_

_sungie: im sorry to drop this bomb on you but i don't know.... if i didn't tell you i think i would have gotten sick..._

_sungie: im really sorry chenle i hope you're okay_

_sungie: please call me when you wake up?_

chenle spent the right of the night crying until he couldn't cry anymore. chenle knew this would happen, and he should be happy renjun is happy, its all he ever wanted. however hearing renjun is happy because of someone else.. it felt like a stab to his heart.

chenle didn't call jisung that night, or the next morning, or the next week. he knew if he did he would just cry again, and as much as he missed jisung, he also couldn't keep crying. when he did finally call jisung, the boy never mentioned renjun and chenle was grateful.

the rest of christmas was fine. he realized he had missed china, even though he had already came down to china many times that year for the other school breaks to spend time with his father. he missed his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, even his annoying little cousins.

for a spilt moment, chenle stopped thinking about renjun, and for a spilt moment chenle felt relaxed. until one night chenles mother brought up renjun.

_"i didn't know renjun had a boyfriend.." his mother muttered. "renjuns mother told me the other day, did you know?" chenle shakes his head._

_"no, but congrats to him i guess." chenle says. chenles mother hums._

_"the boy is really beautiful. has nice tan skin and looks promising." chenle chews on the inside of his cheek. after jisung told him about renjun having a boyfriend, maybe he did look up the boys name. donghyuck was beautiful. he looked like the sun. donghyuck could also sing really good, and was also majoring in performing arts._

_chenle couldn't even dislike donghyuck, there was nothing to dislike about the other. he was a kind boy, who was also talented, and also made renjun happy._

_"looks promising?" chenle asks._

_"looks like he and renjun will stay together for quite some time, maybe even for the rest of their lives."_

chenle passes senior year and graduates. chenle doesn't really remember graduation much, there was nothing special that happened. chenle didn't really know why he was so excited to graduate because if anything, on the actual day chenle felt sad. instead of being excited and nervous like he thought he would have been, he was sad and tired. he just wanted to stay in bed.

when jisungs name is called, he hears jaemin yell. to which he is yelled at the same teacher he was yelled at before. jisung blushes, embarrassed and chenle knows jisung will whine about it later. when chenles name is called, he hears cheers from jaemin, jisung and his family.

renjun didn't show up, not that chenle expected him to. however chenle did have some small hope renjun would have kept his promise. chenle spends the rest of his graduation day at home instead of hanging out with jisung or jaemin. he didn't want the two to see him cry again.

for the first half of summer, chenle spends it in china with his father. living with his father without his mother felt weird. the two couldn't really cook much, so they ate out for the most part. until chenles grandparents found out and started to come over to make them dinner. chenle didn't really mind, nor did his father, they knew his grandparents missed him and used it as an excuse to see chenle.

they didn't really do much other than hangout at his fathers home. chenles father worked at home, he always had. they watched movies, caught up, chenle told his father the week before school ended jisung got into trouble and cried because he thought they weren't going to let him graduate.

the night before chenle goes to leave back to his mother, they spend the night doing nothing. chenles father drank alcohol, and now that chenle was out of high school, now officially an adult, chenles father decides its time he tries a drink.

chenle is hesitate, alcohol never smelt good, his mother didn't like, jisung threw up once when he drank it (but he had also chugged the whole bottle), still he drank it.

it was gross, just as he thought. chenle scrunched up his nose, letting out a sound to show he was disgusted by the taste. chenles father laughs.

_"oh thank god! i missed you so much it was so boring here." chenle squeaks as jisung throws himself at him. with a small laugh, chenle hugs the boy back. "jaemin spent the whole month trying to decide how we should decorate our dorm and then he said we couldn't live on our own and we should move in with him!"_

_"because you two literally would die. i am looking out for my boyfriend and his best friend who is also my best friend!" jisung sticks his tongue out at jaemin. chenle looks at the two for a moment._

_"i thought my mom was coming to pick me up, did something change?" chenle asks. jaemin nods his head._

_"she got called in and asked us to pick you up, so yeah! but she said she'd come back home early." jaemin tells him. chenle nods his head._

_"wait, i thought our parents were going to help us with the whole college room thing?" chenle asks. jisung shakes chenles shoulders._

_"exactly! apparently they thought that also meant jaemin, so they put him in charge!" jisung exclaims. "he was going to give us a coffee machine... neither of us drink coffee!" chenle rolls his eyes._

_"eh, im sure jaemin hyung will practically live there after awhile so is it really a welcoming gift to us or the start of his plan?" jaemin huffs._

_"you two are mean.." jaemin mumbles. "come we have to hurry and get chenle home!" chenle raises an eyebrow._

_"why? do you all have somewhere to be?" chenle says._

_"nope but we have a surprise!" jisung states, and jaemin pushes him lightly. jisung pouts. "what? im sure he already knows." chenle just blinks. "or not, but! i didn't tell him what the surprise was! he can still figure it out himself."_

_"you weren't supposed to say anything at all!" jaemin huffs. "whatever, lets just hurry and go to your house yeah? im sure you're tired and want to put everything up." chenle hums._

_"so the surprise is not at my house?"_

_"nope."_

_"jisung!"_

_"i don't like, i really don't. it feels like you all are leading me to the middle of no where and you're going to leave. you're going to leave me aren't you? i hate you two." chenle huffs, barely taking steps as jisung and jaemin guide him to wherever they are at. he's blindfolded, they had given it to him the moment he got back in jaemins car after putting everything up at his home._

_jisung snorts, "we're not that mean, at least jaemin isn't." chenle hits jisung, and but the sounds of it he hits him good. "im kidding!" jisung yells._

_"don't worry, we're almost there!" jaemin says, "just a few more minutes." chenle frowns._

_"why are we outside? why is my surprise outside? are you sure im not going to die." he doesn't get an answer, which makes him whine. "if anything happens to me, my mother will kill you two."_

_"and what if your mother planned this?" chenle stops._

_"she wouldn't she knows i hate surprises.. wait a minute." chenle feels himself being pushed to walk. "okay! im going!" so, they guide him a little longer until they stop walking. jaemin and jisung let go of chenle. "care we here? can i take this off now? you guys didn't leave me right? oh my god-"_

_"stop being dramatic and take if off you loser." chenle takes off the blindfold, blinking a few times for his eyes to adjust to the bright light. chenle turns around, hitting jisung again._

_"don't call me a loser, stupid." jisung rolls his eyes. "ok wheres the surprise? we're literally in a park. do i have to find it?" jaemin lets out a heavy sigh, walking over to chenle. "what?" jaemin places his hands on chenles shoulder, turning the boy back around, almost making him fall._

_for a second, he doesn't realize whats in front of him, but then he realizes that his mother and his aunts and uncles are all there, smiling at him. he looks around more and he sees his brother kun. chenle smiles._

_"this is my surprise? we could have just done this at home—kun?!" chenle screeches. kun grins. chenle stares at his brother with wide eyes. "wait—what? how? you live in america? what.. huh?" chenle mumbles. "kun?!" chenle repeats._

_"the one and only!" kun says as he walks over to chenle. chenle smiles bright and wide. kun pulls chenle into a hug, one that chenle never wants to let go over. chenle hadn't seen his brother ever since he left to study abroad, which was four years ago. he missed kun, it was his big brother, and chenle looked up to the older a lot. they still talked almost everyday, kun always texted the boy as much as he could due to timezones. sometimes kun would come down and visit but it was hard since had school and work. so it was very rare._

_"since when have you been here? how did i not know this? when did you all plan this?!" chenle exclaims. kun smiles at chenle._

_"a few weeks before you would come back, it was moms idea." chenle looks around until he sees his mother. he runs over to her, giving her a big hug. she laughs at him, rubbing his back._

_"i missed you!" chenle says. she pats his head. "thank you."_

_"of course, for my sweetheart." chenle kisses his morhers cheek. "go catch up with kun hm? its been forever since you've seen him."_

for the rest of the night, chenle spends it talking to kun, catching up with the older. chenle learns that kun plans to stay in america for a few more years, which makes chenle feel a little sad. he also learns kun made friends at his job, ten, lucas, xiaojun, kunhang, and a boy named yangyang who is lucas little brother.

kun tells him they all are completely insane, that he feels the grey hairs coming in every time they all get together, but kun still loves them all and couldn't ask for anyone else. apparently ten makes kun the most stressed, always wanting to do crazy things, encouraging their friend group to do crazy things, and chenle can't help but laugh.

of course kun makes friends with the most going people, and of course his favorite is the one who is the most adventurous.

chenle enjoys the night, they all talked, caught up, ate delicious food that was cooked by chenles mother. chenle felt so happy to be back, he had missed his friends and his mother, and kun and he was glad kun was staying for the rest of the summer.

_"did i miss anything while i was gone?" kun asks. chenle raises an eyebrow. he tries to think of anything he didn't tell kun, and when he can't think of anything he shakes his head. "are you sure?" chenle nods._

_"no, i can't think of anything really. i mean nothing much has happened other than me getting older. jisung and jaemin finally dating... yeah i got nothing." chenle says with a small sigh. "why do you ask?" kun shrugs._

_"no reason," he answers. "you know, i met up with renjun a few days ago." chenle freezes a little. so that's what he was trying to get at. "i asked him to come but he said no. he looked a bit.." kun trails off._

_"oh that? uh i don't know, after he went to college we kind of stopped talking. nothing to big, i mean that happens." kun frowns at chenle._

_"you two were best friends," kun says, "something happened between you two. i asked him why he wouldn't come and he said because he didn't want to make things uncomfortable. he said you two hadn't talked since the night after his graduation. what happened?"_

_chenle shifts around. he doesn't know what to say—he does, but he doesn't want to. he never told kun anything about their fight because he knew kun would call them stupid and get mad at them for fighting over something so petty._

_chenle waves his hand, "nothing really, we just got into a small fight. seriously not a big deal i mean, i moved on, he did too.. everything is fine." chenle assures kun, yet kun is still frowning. "i just-we all hungout the night of his and jaemin hyungs graduation, it was fun really, and then jisung and jaemin left so me and renjun went to the park and i said a few things, renjun got upset and he went home and didn't talk to me since. thats it."_

_"what did you say?" chenle looks down at his hands. it funny really, how the mention of renjun used to make chenles heart beat fast and feel so warm, but now his heart feels like its being punched, and it feels cold._

_"i said i didn't think we would be friends after he went to college, that he would move on with his life and wouldn't continue to hangout with me because he would make new friends. he said i was being negative and calling him a liar. but that was not at all was i was trying to do."_

_"i didn't mean it in a bad way! i just.. it was how i felt and i was upset by it so i told him. then he got mad at me because i didn't believe him, and i apologized to him but he never answered back so i just.. i let him be. i didn't want to hurt him more than i already did." chenle tells kun._

_kun stares at him, and it makes chenle uncomfortable. it feels like kun is judging him. chenle peaks at kun, "i mean, i was right wasn't i?" chenle tries to joke but kun sighs i response._

_"you two are stupid." kun mutters. "some stupid little fight made you two stop being friends? of course. you two are the most stubborn people i know." chenle doesn't say anything. "and neither of you tried to fix your friendship?"_

_"i apologized."_

_"you know renjun better than anyone else, only an apology does not work. you two needed to talk." chenle lets out a huff, arms crossing._

_"i know that okay?! i wanted to but he ignored me and i was scared! i was so upset that my stupid feelings caused me to ruin our friendship!" chenle snaps. "it doesn't matter anymore, okay? he's moved on with his life so why can't i?"_

_"your feelings aren't stupid chenle. renjun was a little inconsiderate for not thinking about you for a moment, but i don't blame him for getting upset. i mean, imagine if he told you that. you would have gotten upset too." chenle nods a little. "chenle, i thought you loved him."_

_"i did.." chenle whispers. "i still do, but like i said, he moved on. he's happy now ge, he has a boyfriend, and doesn't care about me anymore so why can't i just move on too? i hate it." chenle cries. kun pulls the younger into a hug. "i still like him, so much but it hurts. he hates me, i hate me. i ruined everything." kun kisses the side of chenles head._

_"no baby, don't say that okay?" kun pulls away from the hug, holding chenles hands. "you didn't ruin anything lele, okay? he doesn't hate you, he still care about you." chenle shakes his head._

_"he wouldn't even look at me when he came down here for snowflake."_

_"he was scared too." kun tells him, "when i met up with him, the first thing he did was ask about you. how you were doing, if senior year went well for you, it took me forever to ask him about the surprise because all he wanted to do was talk about you." chenle sniffles._

_"really?"_

_"yes, and when i told him how you were doing, he looked so happy. he said he missed you, but he didn't want to come because he didn't want to make you uncomfortable or upset. thats why he said no, he said you wouldn't want him here." chenle can't help but cry again, because renjun was wrong._

_all he wanted was renjun to be here but he wasn't. ever since they stopped talking, chenle felt so empty, so cold. he didn't know how much renjun affected his world but now, without him, his world was so dull._

_"i want to talk to him but im scared.." chenle whispers. kun hums, "what do i even say? i apologized and he just ignored me.. what if he doesn't even want to be friends again?"_

_"i don't think thats true, you two were the best friends i had ever seen. im sure he wants to be friends again too. you just need to talk, and i know it seems scary but i promise it'll all work out they way it's supposed to." kun squeezes chenles hands. "you two will become friends again, i just know it."_

even though after his talk with kun, chenle didn't reach out to renjun. like he said, he was to scared. he couldn't even open up a text without his heart feeling like it was about to fly out of his chest. he knew kun was upset by this, because he would bring it up and chenle would have to tell him that he'll do it soon, not now because he needed to be calm first.

which wasn't a lie, chenle did need to be calm and relaxed before he talked to renjun. he was afraid if he just went of it chenle would cry and get upset, and he didn't want that.

_it was late, and chenle went out for a walk. he was hungry and they didn't have any snacks at home, at least none he wanted. so he walked to the convenience store not to far from his apartment and got some snacks and a drink. on his way back, chenle decided to stop at the park. since it was late no one would be there, and chenle could sit on the swing and eat his snacks in peace._

_so thats what he did. he had gotten a few bags of chips, a coke, and an ice cream bar. he decided it was best to eat the ice cream first, not wanting it to melt._

_its a peaceful night, chenle thinks. its not to cold and its not to hot, the weather is nice and warm. there aren't many cars out since its late, really it's barely past 11 but still it was late enough. a few cars pass by, and chenle watches. he sits in silence, enjoying the night as much as he can before he has to back home._

_when he finishes his ice cream, he's still on the swing. he moves back and forth a little, the toe of his shoe digging into the dirt. at first, he doesn't hear anyone walk up next to him, or sit down on the swing. he only realizes when the person next to him lets out a heavy sigh._

_chenle jumps, startled, but freezes the moment he sees renjun in the swing next to him. he stares at renjun for awhile, trying to see if it was really him or if he was seeing things and was going insane. its renjun, chenle knows because renjun turns his head to look at chenle, and the boy gives him a small smile._

_chenle just blinks, and then he looks away, frowning. why, chenle thinks, why is it every time i feel at peace renjun has to come and ruin it._

_they sit in silence for awhile, neither of the two daring to say anything. chenle hates it because it feels so awkward and he really just wants to get up and leave, but thats rude and would just make everything worse. though, after a minute longer renjun decides to speak._

_"hey," he says. chenles heart skips a beat, just like it did before. chenle takes in a deep breath, hands gripping around the chains._

_"hi." he mumbles. they are left in silence again, both boys not knowing what to say anymore._

_"what are you doing out so late?" renjun asks. chenle pushes his feet back a little._

_"i went to the convenience store, i was hungry and got some snacks." chenle answers. "you?" renjun shrugs._

_"don't know, it just felt nice outside so i thought of going on a walk." chenle hums. "how have you been?" chenle chews on his top lip._

_"good i guess, kuns staying before i go to college so, i've been spending time with him. it's nice, i missed him." renjun smiles._

_"yeah, i met up with him awhile ago. i think i missed him too." renjun says quietly. chenle just nods his head. "i—um when we met up, we caught up and stuff but.. i didn't know you parents got divorced." chenle raises an eyebrow._

_"oh? yeah they did, like a few weeks into my senior year. its fine though, they still talk and i spent the holidays with my father and spent the first half of summer with him." chenle starts to slouch in the swing._

_"why didn't you tell me?" renjun asks, "i mean.. are you sure you're okay?" chenle laughs a little, and he gives renjun a weird look._

_"its not really any of your business, now is it?" renjun frowns. "a lot happened my senior year and i didn't tell you, what happens in my life doesn't really concern you." chenle can feel his ears burn._

_"chenle.." renjun starts, "you didn't have to tell me its just... never mind." renjun sighs again. chenle doesn't respond, he's to busy thinking right now is the perfect time to leave but his legs feel to weak. “um, how was graduation?”_

_“why are you asking so many questions?” it was rude, but chenle didn’t really mean for those words to come out. “it was fine or whatever, my family came, and me, jisung and jaemin all hung out. i kind of just wanted to stay home that whole day.” chenle looks down at the ground. “jisung cried.”_

_renjun smiles at little. “did you?” chenle nods, but he didn’t cry for the same reason jisung did. renjun hums. they are left in silence again, and chenle hates it. he hates how his stomach turns, hates how he feels like he’s going to throw up, hate how he’s so scared to be around renjun now. he feels upset and angry._

_“why are you talking to me?” chenle asks. renjun just stares at him. “i mean, no offense but last time i checked you wanted nothing to do with me. you hate me.” renjun frowns._

_“i don’t hate you, thats not true.” renjun says, but chenle just scoffs._

_“yeah? you avoided me like i was some disease all last year. what you heard about my parents splitting and you felt sorry for me or something?” chenle doesn’t really know why he’s getting so mad._

_“no, thats not why.” renjun says, “i just wanted to talk to you.”_

_“well who said i wanted to talk to you?” chenle huffs. renjun lets out a heavy sigh._

_“i wanted to say sorry chenle, okay?” renjun speaks softly. chenle just rolls his eyes in return. “im sorry for how our friendship ended.”_

_“your apology is a year late, you think im just going to forgive you like that?” chenle hisses, “look whos the dick now.”_

_“i get that, i deserve it—“_

_“do you get it?” chenle questions. “really? i apologized to you, and you ignored me. if you didn’t like my apology you should have said so, so i could have fixed it, done better, but you didn’t. you ignored me and left me. you ignored me and now you’re feeling bad? is this apology for me or you? to stop feeling bad?”_

_“of course not.”_

_“for some reason i don’t believe you.” chenle stands up, somehow having the strength in his legs to. “i hated myself because of you. i still do. do you understand how much you hurt me? you promised. but you got upset over some stupid thing i said and ignored me. you left me without even saying a single word to me. do you know what that felt like?”_

_renjun is frowning still. chenle glares at him a little._

_“im sorry,” renjun says, “im sorry okay? i was an asshole. i was angry and upset and i let my emotions get the best of me so ignored you. everyday i felt so awful for leaving like that, ignoring you.”_

_“then why the hell did you do it?” chenle steps back when renjun stands up. “i don’t care what you have to say, im tired of crying because of you, im tired of hating myself because of you. im tired of everything you’ve done to me, im tired of being in love with you.” chenle doesn’t realize what he had just said, but renjun hears it. his eyes go wide a little._

_“in love with me?” renjun repeats. chenle opens his mouth, only to close it immediately. when he realizes what he said, he feels his heart pound, he can hear his heart pounding. “chenle, you like me?” chenle blinks a few times._

_“i—“ chenle starts, “i do. i did, but now i hate you.” chenle spits. he doesn’t mean it, of course he doesn’t hate renjun, he could never hate him. “i hate you so much, and i never want to see you again. i never want to hear from you again.” chenle feels the tears well up in his eyes. he wants to run, so he turns on his heel, ready to walk away and go home._

_renjun stops him however, grabbing his hand. chenle turns back around. renjun stares at him with an expression he has never seen before. “chenle please listen to me okay? just let me talk.” renjun pleads. chenle looks into renjuns eyes._

_“i want nothing to do with you.” chenle whispers. renjun looks hurt. his grip around chenles wrist loosens. chenle pulls his hand away, “you are nothing to me.” renjun doesn’t say anything, just stands there._

_everything hurts. chenles head hurts, his eyes hurt, his throat hurts, his heart hurts. he wants to be home, crying in bed. he wants to apologize for everything he just said to renjun but he can’t. his mouth his screwed shut._

_“im sorry..” is all renjun says, and its so small and so quiet chenle almost misses it. chenle doesn’t say anything, he has nothing to say. he wants to go home._

_so he leaves. he leaves renjun standing alone like renjun did him. he leaves and walks far away from the back until he knows renjun can’t hear him, see him. he leaves and falls to the ground, loud sobs leaving his lips._

_with shaky hands, chenle pulls out his phone, going through his contacts before he sees jisungs number. he feels sorry if jisung is asleep._

_“i can’t breathe.” is all chenle says when jisung answers. he can hear shuffling, jisung letting out a sound._

_“what? where are you? are you not at home?”_

_“i can’t breathe. sungie i can’t breathe, i can’t—“ he’s wheezing._

_“chenle, can you please listen to me carefully?” its jaemin on the phone now, “just take slow, deep breaths for me alright? can you please tell me where you are? or text jisung so we can come get you?” chenle takes shaky breaths._

_“by the park.” he croaks. “my house. park by my house. hyung i can’t—i think—“ jaemin shushes him._

_“its okay, i know, but focus on breathing. we’ll be there soon i promise. im going to call kun—“_

_“no!” chenle gasps, “no, no you can’t please.”_

_“okay, okay i won’t. stay on the phone with me, we’re almost there. breathe with me. remember, tell me what color.”_

_“yellow.” chenle says._

_“okay good, just breathe some more.” chenle does so, trying to breathe like jaemin is. he’s a bit sloppy, and its all over the place but he can feel his heart slowing down. after awhile, he hears footsteps, and then arms pulling him up from the ground._

_“oh my god, chenle? your okay? look at me please.” chenle looks at jisung. the boy is crying, “i was so worried chenle, so worried. whats wrong? what happened? god im so glad we found you.” jisung pulls him into a tight hug, and chenle can’t help but start crying again._

_“im sorry, im so sorry.” chenle cries, “i didn’t mean to call you two but—“_

_“no chenle, don’t say that. we’re glad you called us. we were so worried.” jaemin tells him. “do you want to go home?” chenle shakes his head._

_“you can stay over with us tonight, im sure you’re tired.” jisung says, slightly pulling away from the hug, but he’s still holding onto chenle._

_“if thats okay, please.” jaemin smiles at chenle._

_“of course it is.” jaemin assures him. chenle sniffles. “come on, it’s supposed to rain tonight and i don’t want either of you sick.” as they walk to jaemins car, jisung holds onto chenles hand tightly._

_the two boys don’t ask him anything when they arrive at jisungs home. they just give him something to drink, a change of clothes, and let him be. he sleeps in the guest bedroom, and jisung tells him if he gets upset again to come get him. chenle says he will._

_chenle hopes the two don’t hear him cry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this is so sad like 🥺🥺 promise next chapter it’ll be a little more happier!! just know the original part 2 was even sadder... so this is like.. nothing compared to what was originally going to happen...


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